Recovering from Ambition
It wasn’t until it was gone that I realized I’d had a problem. That my motor was running on a toxic fuel. It just felt so good to be in motion! I always knew I was on the right path, doing the right thing. Those weird stirrings of discomfort? They were just weakness leaving the body, right? I believed if I pushed through and kept going, once I reached my goal, those feelings would disappear and I’d be….happy, successful, and done.
So why didn’t that moment ever come? Why couldn’t I settle? I was a Program Director, a literal boss! I owned a home, I was in a long term relationship, everything was perfect. And I’d built it all just the way I wanted! Or…was it just the way I was supposed to want it? Why was it so hard to tell the difference? That was confusing, made no sense. I’d better get back to work.
For someone who is in the business of helping people change their lives, you’d think I would’ve figured this out sooner. And ultimately I have no regrets about that time. But it was complicated! I thought ambition was my friend, helping me to get shit done. What I didn’t really examine was what fed that ambition. Who said getting to the top would make me happy? And the top of what, exactly? What was I missing in my rush to get there? I never stopped to ask myself those deeper questions—only "what’s next?" or "how do I overcome this obstacle?"
My EMDR therapist once asked, “Should we talk about your relationship?” I confidently replied, "Oh no, that’s fine. I have bigger problems to talk about." And I wasn’t entirely wrong—my relationship was good. I believed with enough ambition, I could accomplish (read: maintain, stay in, never quit) a relationship, just like any other goal. But it wasn’t right for me, and I didn’t realize that until it ended. If my ex is reading this: again, no regrets! He’s the one that told me: “this is never going to be what you want”. And deep down, I knew he was right.
Honestly, it took a lot more than that for me to really wake up. Starting my business and quitting my nonprofit job (where people told me I was being foolish and unsafe, maybe even unethical), and a lot more heartbreak forced me to confront the way ambition was running my life. I won’t get into too many details (it’s confidential, right?), but there was a turning point where ambition betrayed me. I completely stopped. But—surprisingly—I didn’t die. My business didn’t fail. My people didn’t abandon me. And I created space for a new relationship with myself.
It sounds cheesy, but I really had to learn to tune in to myself. To notice my anxiety (was that all ambition was?) and instead of springing into action, I learned to wait. To feel it. To tolerate not knowing what to do and to stay in the unknown. This was so much harder than I expected. I thought I knew myself! Why was clarity no longer instant? As I shed those layers, I realized I did know myself—but I hadn’t been letting myself lead. I was being pushed around by invisible "shoulds" disguised as clarity. And this is what I often see with clients—it’s disorienting to dive deep. You feel lost before you find your way. I had to stop referencing the roadmap of shoulds and chart a new path, find my internal guidance.
This shift was messy, and took time, and it’s something I’m still committed to. Now, it looks like slowing down, inquiring within, and embracing the unknown. I don’t need all the answers or a perfect plan. Trusting myself to handle life’s surprises—rather than trying to control every outcome—has been such a relief.
I am not going to pretend like I know all the answers or fully understand how ambition can mask anxiety, but I share this story because whenever I do, someone in the room nods their head and shares their own story. I learn so much from these conversations, and I love uncovering, together, how forces like ambition, perfectionism, and fear of failure can push us around without permission. I’d love to hear your story too.
Can I be bisexual and monogamous?
Coming out as bisexual when you are in a monogamous relationship can be terrifying. Slow down and get support--you don't have to do this alone!
What does it mean to discover you are bisexual while you are in a monogamous relationship or marriage? And what are you supposed to do about that?! Can bisexuals BE monogamous?? The more awareness we have about the spectrums of sexuality and gender expression, the more people who are in monogamous relationships or marriages are asking “could my life have taken another path?” quickly followed by “what does that MEAN!?!” The first step is:
DON’T PANIC: Easier said than done, but I want to reassure you that you don’t have to figure this all out at once. In fact, you can’t. Sorry. There’s a natural process of discovery, and it’s going to provide you with plenty of challenge, even without adding a sense of urgency to the situation. Take a deep breath, and remember the hard things you’ve gotten through before. Write down your biggest questions and concerns so that they’re not running in your head on a loop. You can tackle them one by one (although it probably won’t feel this orderly in real life), along with whatever else comes your way as you go.
Get support: A trusted friend might be a good place to start. Do you know any monogamous bisexual people you could confide in? How about bisexuals in open relationships? Any trusted LGBTQ people would be a good start if you mostly hang out with straight people. There are also support groups (I love the apps Plura and Meetup for this) that you can find in your community or online. Obviously, I’m going to tell you that therapy is a great option to get expertise that is individualized to your situation and guidance that’s tailored to you.
Consider how and when to tell your partner: You may or may not be ready to tell your partner yet—they have a major stake in this game, and it’s ok for you to have some privacy around this if you need to figure out how you feel first. If they are someone who can handle uncertainty and ambiguity and are generally supportive—go for it! But don’t feel pressured into making any big promises (“this won’t change anything for us, I swear!”), or expressing a certainty you don’t have. Coming out can be a big deal, and it may be a big deal to them or not. They may have a lot of questions about how this will impact them that you can’t answer yet. Are you and your relationship ready for that conversation, or do you need some preparation?
Explore your sexuality and relationship orientation more: Start by reading books and articles, watching videos and movies, meeting people and going to community events and then reflecting on how these make you feel. This is a process of self-discovery, and you need to have experiences to understand yourself on a deeper level. Don’t overwhelm yourself, take it slow and easy. You definitely do not need to jump into opening your relationships, but that may be an option you want to consider with your partner. If it is, there is a big process of opening up that you want to get support and information about before diving in. If not, check in to see if there is any grief about experiences you won’t get to have, or feel you missed out on.
Honor your sexuality in whatever way is genuine to you: There is no right way to be bisexual. Who you have sex with does not determine your sexuality. Perhaps it will feel empowering to go to a Pride parade, or to join an LGBTQ+ social group. Use fantasy (with or without your partner!) to explore your sexuality in an embodied way while keeping your relationship agreements. Hang out with people who know you are bisexual and respect your identity no matter who you are with. Check out the Klein Grid to see some ideas about ways your sexuality is expressed that you might not have thought of: https://www.bisexuality.org/thekleingrid
Be discerning about who you share with at this early stage: Ultimately, your sexuality is yours to determine and define. You can and should be thoughtful about who you share this vulnerable and delicate information with. Use your intuition about who to trust and how much to share when you are ready. Of course I want you to always be able to be open about yourself, but you know the people in your life who are safe to do that with and the people who are not. It’s ok to wait if you’re not sure.
Words to help you describe your open relationship
Every subculture has it’s own vernacular, but if you’re new to open relationships, or not in a community of people who are open or poly, you may not know these helpful words:
New Relationship Energy (NRE):
That feeling you get when you’ve just started a new relationship and everything else seems secondary. You’re so focused on that person in all their perfection. You want to spend all your time with them, you never fight, the sex is intense and passionate. This is important to recognize in an open relationship, because you may be experiencing this with someone new, while your primary partner is not, and this can cause jealousy and conflict. The key to this struggle is compersion (see below), validation of your partner’s feelings, and making sure your primary partner knows how important they are to you.
Compersion:
The joy you can feel from witnessing your partner’s happiness. This may be sexual, such as watching them with another sexual partner or hearing about the story later, or more of that “warm fuzzy feeling” you get when they come home from a date feeling giddy and excited. Compersion is said to be the opposite of jealousy, and cultivating compersion can certainly help with the feelings that come with jealousy like sadness, anger, and fear.
Metamor:
This is the partner of your partner who is not also your partner (say that three times fast!). In different relationship structures you may or may not know this person, you may or may not be friends with them, and you may or may not like them. No matter what, it’s good to know what to call them. You share a joint love (met-amour), and this person can be an invaluable resource to you!
Polycule
Your polycule is the family tree of your open relationship. This includes you and your partner and all your metamours. All of these people influence each other, and it is important to take each person’s experience and feelings into account when making decisions. This is why communication and negotiation are such an important part of open relationships!
Fluid Bonded
Being fluid bonded is a safe sex practice where everyone agrees to get STI tested and share results. After that, those people may eschew safer sex practices like using condoms and dental dams when having sex with each other. They will either not have sex with people outside their fluid bonded group, or all agree to use safer sex practices each and every time they have sex with someone else, to protect the safety of those in the group.
If you have any questions about any of these words, or there are some that I’ve missed, please feel free to message me, email me at counselingwithcolleen@gmail.com or comment!
Your therapist’s reading list
In no particular order, here are some of the self-help or adjacent books I have read and loved:
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker: An explanation of common effects of trauma, and strategies for feeling better.
Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century by Barbara Carrellas: an approachable guide to Tantra that is not too woo-woo, and gives practical advice about enhancing sexuality in creative ways through breath and connection.
How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk by John Van Epp: a step by step guide focused on building a relationship in the right order: Know, Trust, Rely, Commit. One caveat—the author is religious, and although that isn’t terribly overbearing for most of the book, the “last” step is Touch, and it ends up having some backwards ideas about sex. You can just skip the ending and miss most of this problem.
No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz: Excellent inroduction to Internal Family Systems (parts work). This book is GREAT on audiobook, because they read transcripts of therapy sessions and do meditations timed out for you to try them yourself.
Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski: excellent guide to problems of sex—mostly geared towards women, although really applicable to many people. A lot of good info about desire and why we stop wanting sex as much as we’d like to.
Polysecure by Jessica Fern: The new bible of polyamory, and a great primer to polyamory and attachment.
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships by Harriet Lerner: A practical exploration of how women are encouraged to ignore their anger, and how to stop overfunctioning for others and underfunctioning for ourselves.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel; Can we desire what we already have in romantic relationships?
The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel; More on modern love and expectations in our romantic life.
The Ethical Slut, Third Edition: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Freedoms in Sex and Love by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton; The ins and outs of ethical consensual non-monogamy.
Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed; An alternative to Dear Abby, profound and deeply touching.
Women, Food, and God by Geneen Roth; Mindfulness to heal disordered eating.
Awakening the Buddha Within by Llama Surya Das; Intro to Buddhism for a lay person.
How to Change Your Mind by Michael Pollan; Current and historical research on psychedelics as medicine in psychology, transformative experiences in well people.
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk; How trauma affects humans.
The Guide to Getting it On by Paul Joannides; Overview of everything sex.
The Seven Principals for Making Marriages Work by John Gottman; Basics skills and pitfalls in relationships.
Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics by Dan Harris; Self explanatory title. Humorous and light, an easy read.
Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes; Deep exploration of emotional lives of women via folk tales.
Why you should ALWAYS screen your therapist before meeting them.
I’m just gonna say it…there are some pretty bad therapists out there.
I love my profession, and I have a great group of therapists who are incredibly talented and whom I am proud to know, but just like everything, there are good ones and not-so-good ones. I’ve heard stories of people who’s therapists have asked them for advice, therapists who told them to withhold sex from their partners to punish them, therapists who are late, disorganized, or just plain clueless. If this sounds familiar to you, I’m here to tell you: therapy should not be like that!
You never want to find yourself paying for a session with someone you know is not a match for you! Or, if you’re like most of us, you end up paying for multiple sessions before you get up the guts to break up with that therapist, even though you knew within the first five minutes they were a dud.
Think about it: what are the reasons you’re coming to therapy?
Maybe you’ve got some people-pleasing tendencies?
You have difficulty setting boundaries or saying “no” when you need to?
You’re trying to get up the courage to break up with your partner or quit your job with your terrible boss?
It’s truly a perfect storm for not being able to end a therapy relationship once you’ve started! That’s why I suggest calling at least three therapists and talking to them on the phone before you go into their office. I know, it’s hard enough to find one therapist. But trust me, therapy is a huge investment of your time and money, and it is worth it to do the work up front. I offer a free consultation call, and in fact, I require that everyone talks to me before scheduling an appointment. I want to make sure it’s a match, and if it’s not, I’ll hook you up with someone who is! Most therapists will do this, you just have to ask.
When you’re ready to take the leap, here’s a resource I’ve created to help you brainstorm what you want in a therapist, and take notes during your consultation calls with therapists!
Choosing a therapist: What do the letters mean?
It’s so difficult to find a good therapist! A friend of mine recently contacted me, asking “what are all these letters?! What do they mean? Is one better than the other? Is one more right for me?” The different tiers and disciplines of therapy can be hard for even some therapists to understand and explain, so it makes sense that you might be confused. Before you read this, here’s a spoiler alert: it doesn’t matter what letters the person has after their name, what matters is that they are a good fit for you. If you still want to nerd out on some therapist nitty-gritties, read on…
Here’s how I look at it: You have three tiers of providers when it comes to your mental health:
Psychiatrists: These are the people who prescribe medication.You will see the letters M.D. after their name. They are the highest tier, which means they are the most expensive. You’re not very often going to see a psychiatrist doing therapy, because their sessions are often about 15 minutes long (after the initial assessment). It’s someone you check in with maybe once a month to once every few months, depending on what medication you’re taking.
Psychologists: These are people with a doctoral level degree and license. You might see a PhD. or a Psy.D. after their name. A Ph.D. is someone who went the traditional route to get thier doctorate, and focused on research. Many people get this degree and become practitioners, so you will definitely see these letters when you’re looking for a therapist. A PsyD. is a doctor of psychology, and this is someone who went to the doctoral level in order to become a practitioner. They focused less on research and more on the practice of therapy during their schooling than a Ph.D.
Master’s Level therapists: This is where it gets really confusing. At this level of education, the licenses are split into three disciplines. None is better or worse than the other, and to be honest, the person you pick is more important than which of the three disciplines they are licensed in. Each discipline gets some training in the areas of focus of the other disciplines, but the education and testing is more focused on their area of expertise. The three disciplines are:
Licensed Professional Clinical Counselors, LPCC (that’s me!). Also called Licensed Mental Health Counselors (LMHCs) in other states, the training for LPCCs is generally focused on individual mental health or illness. They are the experts in diagnosing/assessing and treating things like depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, etc. In California, unlike other states, this license is exempted from providing couples therapy or family therapy. These therapists can get an extra level of certification called a Confirmation of Qualification from the Board of Behavioral Sciences (BBS). This involves doing 500 hours of supervised therapy and taking extra graduate level classes (I have this!).
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, LMFT. These therapists are the specialized in how a system (such as the family or romantic partner(s)) impacts an individual. They often want to have contact with as many people in the system as possible, to fully understand the problem. MFTs often prefer not to diagnose, because they see mental health as a function of the complex interplay of the relationships in the individual’s life.
Licensed Clinical Social Workers, LCSW: This individuals training will have been focused on communities, groups, and organizations. They are zoomed out to look at the whole society and how it is functioning. Although this license can be used to provide therapy, the training can also be for folks who want to create change on a macro level, for example by affecting policy.
Now that you know all of that, I’ll say that none of it matters unless someone is a fit for you. I would actually say that, looking at those descriptions, and being many years removed from my grad school days, ideologically I fit more in with the MFTs, although I am an LPCC. I don’t love the idea of diagnosing (although I do respect that it can be helpful for many people), and I think it’s very important to take into account the systems in someone’s family or society that may be affecting them such as discrimination, stigma, and patriarchy.
How to get through the holidays...
You don’t have time to find a therapist right now…you’ve just got to get through this month.
The holidays can be a lot. Here’s a quick guide with three steps to stay sane.
Make a plan. Sit down and write out a schedule. Schedule everything as you would like it to go if it all went perfectly smoothly. I want you to even schedule in time for planning—i.e. 30 minutes for looking up recipes and making a list the day before you are scheduled to do the grocery shopping. You don’t have to (and shouldn’t!) rigidly hold yourself to this schedule, but it’s good to have a basic sense that everything you need to do CAN get done, and there’s space for everything. And if you need to cut some things out, you can tell Aunt Sally you can only bring one pie instead of three politely and in a timely fashion, rather than frantically calling her day of, or just showing up without the pie. This will help other people plan and be more relaxed too!
Do one thing, mindfully, in the moment. Basically—one thing at a time! Multitasking isn’t real—when you’re doing one thing and planning another, you’re not really doing either thing well. When you’re supposed to be shopping, shop. When you’re supposed to be at a party, enjoy the party! When you’re supposed to be sleeping, sleep. Stick to the task at hand, and know that you have time for everything, because you scheduled it!
Put your worries in a container. Imagine a structure that’s so strong and secure it can hold all your worries, and only let them out when you’re ready to look at them. Really imagine this container—what does yours look like? Where is it? What kind of lock does it have and where do you keep the key or combination? Now, any time you’re struggling with staying in the moment, remember your container, and put that worry in there for later. Remember that you have time scheduled for all the planning, so when you’re at a party, you don’t need to be thinking about your grocery list!
Are holidays for you more stressful or more fun? What do you do to stay balanced when there are so many demands on you? I’d love to hear from you!