Recovering from Ambition
It wasn’t until it was gone that I realized I’d had a problem. That my motor was running on a toxic fuel. It just felt so good to be in motion! I always knew I was on the right path, doing the right thing. Those weird stirrings of discomfort? They were just weakness leaving the body, right? I believed if I pushed through and kept going, once I reached my goal, those feelings would disappear and I’d be….happy, successful, and done.
So why didn’t that moment ever come? Why couldn’t I settle? I was a Program Director, a literal boss! I owned a home, I was in a long term relationship, everything was perfect. And I’d built it all just the way I wanted! Or…was it just the way I was supposed to want it? Why was it so hard to tell the difference? That was confusing, made no sense. I’d better get back to work.
For someone who is in the business of helping people change their lives, you’d think I would’ve figured this out sooner. And ultimately I have no regrets about that time. But it was complicated! I thought ambition was my friend, helping me to get shit done. What I didn’t really examine was what fed that ambition. Who said getting to the top would make me happy? And the top of what, exactly? What was I missing in my rush to get there? I never stopped to ask myself those deeper questions—only "what’s next?" or "how do I overcome this obstacle?"
My EMDR therapist once asked, “Should we talk about your relationship?” I confidently replied, "Oh no, that’s fine. I have bigger problems to talk about." And I wasn’t entirely wrong—my relationship was good. I believed with enough ambition, I could accomplish (read: maintain, stay in, never quit) a relationship, just like any other goal. But it wasn’t right for me, and I didn’t realize that until it ended. If my ex is reading this: again, no regrets! He’s the one that told me: “this is never going to be what you want”. And deep down, I knew he was right.
Honestly, it took a lot more than that for me to really wake up. Starting my business and quitting my nonprofit job (where people told me I was being foolish and unsafe, maybe even unethical), and a lot more heartbreak forced me to confront the way ambition was running my life. I won’t get into too many details (it’s confidential, right?), but there was a turning point where ambition betrayed me. I completely stopped. But—surprisingly—I didn’t die. My business didn’t fail. My people didn’t abandon me. And I created space for a new relationship with myself.
It sounds cheesy, but I really had to learn to tune in to myself. To notice my anxiety (was that all ambition was?) and instead of springing into action, I learned to wait. To feel it. To tolerate not knowing what to do and to stay in the unknown. This was so much harder than I expected. I thought I knew myself! Why was clarity no longer instant? As I shed those layers, I realized I did know myself—but I hadn’t been letting myself lead. I was being pushed around by invisible "shoulds" disguised as clarity. And this is what I often see with clients—it’s disorienting to dive deep. You feel lost before you find your way. I had to stop referencing the roadmap of shoulds and chart a new path, find my internal guidance.
This shift was messy, and took time, and it’s something I’m still committed to. Now, it looks like slowing down, inquiring within, and embracing the unknown. I don’t need all the answers or a perfect plan. Trusting myself to handle life’s surprises—rather than trying to control every outcome—has been such a relief.
I am not going to pretend like I know all the answers or fully understand how ambition can mask anxiety, but I share this story because whenever I do, someone in the room nods their head and shares their own story. I learn so much from these conversations, and I love uncovering, together, how forces like ambition, perfectionism, and fear of failure can push us around without permission. I’d love to hear your story too.