Can I be bisexual and monogamous?
What does it mean to discover you are bisexual while you are in a monogamous relationship or marriage? And what are you supposed to do about that?! Can bisexuals BE monogamous?? The more awareness we have about the spectrums of sexuality and gender expression, the more people who are in monogamous relationships or marriages are asking “could my life have taken another path?” quickly followed by “what does that MEAN!?!” The first step is:
DON’T PANIC: Easier said than done, but I want to reassure you that you don’t have to figure this all out at once. In fact, you can’t. Sorry. There’s a natural process of discovery, and it’s going to provide you with plenty of challenge, even without adding a sense of urgency to the situation. Take a deep breath, and remember the hard things you’ve gotten through before. Write down your biggest questions and concerns so that they’re not running in your head on a loop. You can tackle them one by one (although it probably won’t feel this orderly in real life), along with whatever else comes your way as you go.
Get support: A trusted friend might be a good place to start. Do you know any monogamous bisexual people you could confide in? How about bisexuals in open relationships? Any trusted LGBTQ people would be a good start if you mostly hang out with straight people. There are also support groups (I love the apps Plura and Meetup for this) that you can find in your community or online. Obviously, I’m going to tell you that therapy is a great option to get expertise that is individualized to your situation and guidance that’s tailored to you.
Consider how and when to tell your partner: You may or may not be ready to tell your partner yet—they have a major stake in this game, and it’s ok for you to have some privacy around this if you need to figure out how you feel first. If they are someone who can handle uncertainty and ambiguity and are generally supportive—go for it! But don’t feel pressured into making any big promises (“this won’t change anything for us, I swear!”), or expressing a certainty you don’t have. Coming out can be a big deal, and it may be a big deal to them or not. They may have a lot of questions about how this will impact them that you can’t answer yet. Are you and your relationship ready for that conversation, or do you need some preparation?
Explore your sexuality and relationship orientation more: Start by reading books and articles, watching videos and movies, meeting people and going to community events and then reflecting on how these make you feel. This is a process of self-discovery, and you need to have experiences to understand yourself on a deeper level. Don’t overwhelm yourself, take it slow and easy. You definitely do not need to jump into opening your relationships, but that may be an option you want to consider with your partner. If it is, there is a big process of opening up that you want to get support and information about before diving in. If not, check in to see if there is any grief about experiences you won’t get to have, or feel you missed out on.
Honor your sexuality in whatever way is genuine to you: There is no right way to be bisexual. Who you have sex with does not determine your sexuality. Perhaps it will feel empowering to go to a Pride parade, or to join an LGBTQ+ social group. Use fantasy (with or without your partner!) to explore your sexuality in an embodied way while keeping your relationship agreements. Hang out with people who know you are bisexual and respect your identity no matter who you are with. Check out the Klein Grid to see some ideas about ways your sexuality is expressed that you might not have thought of: https://www.bisexuality.org/thekleingrid
Be discerning about who you share with at this early stage: Ultimately, your sexuality is yours to determine and define. You can and should be thoughtful about who you share this vulnerable and delicate information with. Use your intuition about who to trust and how much to share when you are ready. Of course I want you to always be able to be open about yourself, but you know the people in your life who are safe to do that with and the people who are not. It’s ok to wait if you’re not sure.